What It Means
by bravevulnerability
Summary: al·ways adverb : throughout all past time or all future time, or for as long as anyone can remember and as long as anyone can foresee. One shot. Not connected to the finale.


**So this is just a little something that refused to leave me alone until I finally wrote it. I apologize because it was literally written in about a two hour time span and probably isn't anything special. But without further ado, happy reading, wonderful people. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Sigh, if only.**

"What are you thinking about?" she murmured into his jaw and he tightened the arm around her waist out of what was surely becoming a habit.

"You." he answered automatically and felt her lips slide into a slow grin. "Or actually I was thinking about what you said earlier."

Kate propped herself up on her elbow and rested her head in her hand. She smiled at the man lying beside her, all mused hair from when she ran her fingers through it repeatedly and sparkling blue eyes that shined whenever they settled on her.

This was so much better than she could have ever expected.

"What would that be?" she replied, allowing her free hand to venture up to his face, cup his cheek, run her thumb under his eye.

He liked when she touched him, especially the sweet little touches. The small gestures seemed to mean so much to him. But then again, hadn't small gestures apparently been their foreplay these last few years? Brief brushes past each other in the precinct, shoulder bumps after a long day, hand holding when the world was seemingly coming to an end, or simply when comfort was needed, craved. Small things that they always pretended never mattered. Nah, their foreplay was bantering. The touches were just always nice.

He turned his head and kissed her palm before lacing his fingers with hers and pulling the intertwined pair of hands to rest in the middle of his bare chest.

"'You said always'."

She stiffened when he repeated words she had spoken merely hours earlier. Words she had said with such sadness, disbelief, and hate. For a moment, she had hated him more than she ever had before. Because in that moment, he had truly broken her heart and she thought it was actually over, that _they_ were over. But they weren't, obviously.

He was bringing up the fight that had pushed them to realization and led them here. Of course she knew they would have to talk about it, talking was always inevitable, but she hadn't necessarily expected him to bring it up while they were lying naked in his bed.

"Rick-" she started but he shook his head.

"I was just thinking."

She bit her lip in apprehension.

"Don't do that while I'm talking, it distracts me."

She furrowed her brow and he traced his thumb over her bottom lip, and she was starting to get worried because he was being so passive suddenly and she wasn't understanding and he had just made love to her, why did they have to be having this discussion when it apparently upset him?

"Castle, what's wrong?" she asked him quietly and finally he met her eyes again.

"Do you know what always means?"

Okay, she was becoming frustrated when he deferred from her questions.

"What, like the legitimate meaning from a dictionary?"

"Mhmm."

"Enlighten me." she replied and she knew he could hear the sarcasm in her voice, see the not only growing irritation, but also the worry seeping into her face. And she didn't even care about hiding it anymore because she was done hiding from him, it had always been pointless before anyway. But right now she was so fragile and he was holding her so easily breakable heart in his hands. She trusted him with it, wanted him to keep it, but she prayed he wouldn't break it. Not again.

"Throughout all past time or all future time, or for as long as anyone can remember and as long as anyone can foresee."

She softened towards the velvety way he announced the definition to her so clearly, as if he had an actual dictionary sitting in front of him.

"That's the basic description at least."

She nodded. "Lot of meaning for one word."

"Did you really think I never meant, or knew for that matter, what I was saying every time I said that word to you?" he asked, and there was no anger or bitterness in his voice, as there had been earlier, only true curiosity.

"Oh Castle." she sighed and leant into his side, dropping her head to his shoulder and feeling silent relief when he encircled his arms around her and held her closer.

"It's just always been a powerful word with us, and it fits so perfectly for everything, and you, and how I-"

"I know." she interrupted him softly and lifted her head so she could look at him. "I know how much it means."

_He hadn't shown up. He said he would be here, yesterday he had clearly said 'tomorrow' and it was tomorrow, and he wasn't here. She had spent the entire day filling out paperwork and staring at his chair, the chair that he said he would be in today and he wasn't. _

_She thought he had understood her. Subtext or not, in the hospital he had appeared to grasp that they were not talking about their possible zombie killing suspect when discussing his memory loss. And what about her very clear words about her wall coming down just yesterday as they stood together in the precinct? He may have been covered in fake blood and hideously gruesome makeup, but she had really believed that he understood. And then he said "tomorrow" and he wasn't fucking here._

_Castle had been treating her differently for weeks now and she was done trying to fix it, done trying to believe that it was all in her head and that they were still on the same page because clearly they were on entirely different chapters. She felt foolish believing the crap he had fed her for so long now. Promises of partnership, and trust, and "always". All those false promises she had so stupidly believed because people who made promises like that didn't suddenly undergo some major behavioral shift that involved cold remarks, bitter scowls when he thought she wasn't looking, and leaving for more uncomplicated options like Detective Slaughter and that stewardess. It was all so painfully clear that 'always' was the last thing on his mind when it came to her._

_And now she was learning that the zombie case was supposedly his last. When was he going to tell her about that? Was he simply just not going to come back? Leave her waiting like some fool for him to return when all along he never planned to? God, she had been led on like a dog with a leash._

_Beckett calmly set her pen down despite the building anger and heavy ache of hurt weighing down her chest, and quietly rose from her seat. _

_The boys glanced to her curiously. It was still early, only late afternoon, but there was no way she would get any work done like this. She had ignored this problem for far too long and it had to be addressed. _

"_Cover for me?" she called to Esposito who nodded as if he already knew where she was going. _

_Kate scooped up her belongings and strode to the elevator, punching the button far too roughly. _

_She knocked on his door by pounding her fist. No subtly, no small talk, no dancing around what was on her mind this time. _

"_Kate?" he answered in surprise, holding the door open for her and she stormed in. "Please, come in." he muttered and she spun to face him._

_She was practically boiling with rage, so ready to fight, but when she saw the confusion on his face she almost softened. The way he was dressed, in that dark blue shirt she really liked that always made him incredibly handsome, causing her resentment towards him to fall short._

_Damn him._

"_What the hell, Castle?" she demanded._

_Yeah, good lead in, Kate. She probably should have thought about what she had planned to say before she got here…_

"_What did I do?" he exclaimed and she saw anger of his own flashing through his darkening eyes. Anger that was being reignited because he had been angry with her for awhile now and they both knew it._

"_You said you would be at the precinct and you don't even show up!"_

"_Listen, Beckett, I was-"_

"_Don't." she practically growled at him. "You're such a liar!"_

_His eyebrows shot up and he took an intimidating step into her space._

"I'm_ a liar? Really, Kate? Me?"_

_She blinked in confusion at the vicious bite in his tone, the sound of insinuation that she-_

_She lied. And he knew. And how-_

"_Interrogation during the bombing." he sighed, reading her thoughts that were most likely written all over her shock filled face. "You remember every second of your shooting, and you told me you didn't. Who's the liar now?" he demanded, but there was no more fight in his voice, just sorrow, and pain. _

_Her body froze on her, her mouth went dry, and now all the spiteful energy she had been feeding off of as motivation was slowly slipping away and leaving her silent._

"_I haven't lied to you about anything." he muttered without looking at her._

"_You said always." she choked and he glanced to her puzzled. "And you never even meant it."_

"_How can you say that?" he nearly shouted in exasperation. "How can you say something like that when I have always meant every word I said to you? You're the one who can't have the decency to tell me you don't feel the same."_

"_Castle, what are you talking about?" she groaned because she was so tired of fighting with him and so tired of hurting over him. She was regretting even coming over to his loft and starting this whole mess. Maybe he had been doing her a favor by not showing up. _

"_You could have just been honest, Kate. You could have just told me you didn't want me."_

_What was he…oh. Oh no. God, he was so…he was so stupid. _

"_I never stopped…Rick," she breathed incredulously and forced herself towards him before he could back away, cupping his neck in her hands to keep him there. "I want you. Don't you get it?"_

"_No, no I don't?"_

_He was watching her face, looking so bewildered and disbelieving at what she was saying._

"_Castle, I was, I am, I'm in love with you. Just because I didn't say it back didn't mean..." _

_Oh, wait, she forgot that he had moved on. He was seeing other women and finding better things to do than her. Ugh, that sounded terrible and made her queasy to think of him doing anyone _but _her. She was pathetic. _

_Kate untangled her fingers from where they had slid into the tiny hairs at the base of his skull and backed away, carefully crossing her arms over her chest as he continued to just stare at her, stunned. _

"_I had just wanted to be better first, you know?" she whispered, hugging herself tightly and training her eyes on the ground. "I wanted to be something you deserved and just…enough for you. I waited too long, I know, and I'm sorry I hurt you." _

_She felt the pitiful tears slipping down her cheeks and lifted her hand to wipe them away with her sleeve, but then he was there, and his thumbs were wiping the moisture away, and then he was pressing his lips to hers._

_He pulled away after only a moment and rested his forehead against hers._

"_I'm so sorry, Kate."_

_Her throat was closing up because she was unsure as to why he was apologizing. If he was telling her he was sorry he no longer felt the same way-_

"_Do you still?" _

"_Still?"_

"_Love me." she rasped. _

"_Always. God, Kate, always." he replied roughly and kissed her again._

_She clung to him tightly as their mouths fused together and he knotted his fingers in her hair before he broke away to taste her neck. She gasped when he found her pulse point and realized she could suddenly breathe again without feeling like barbed wire was scraping at her lungs. _

"I was upset." she assured him, tracing random patterns over the plain of his chest with one of her fingers. "I was so mad at you and nothing was making sense and at the time that conclusion did. But I don't think I ever truly believed it."

"I just didn't want you to doubt it or me." he murmured into her hair and kissed her temple.

"I promise Rick, I don't."

Kate rolled onto her back and brought him with her so that he was hovering over her again.

"Round two already?" he mused and she chuckled, purposely low and throaty.

"I want to prove how much I don't doubt you."

"Can't deny a woman her wish." he smirked and she rolled her eyes before launching forward to meet his lips with her own, quickly slipping her tongue in his mouth.

Yeah, she had no doubt in the fact that he meant what he said. She had no doubts in him, or them, not now, not anymore.

**Feedback is always appreciated.**

**xx**


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